I have suffered on and off with depression for years. I've told a select few. I write a lot online, but this is my first article ever on the topic of my depression.
I'm not sure a "making money online" blog is the right place, but it was related to publishing my book, so I've chosen to write about depression here.
The article I have to write.....
The first time I suffered from depression was in my second year at college. I had end of year exams to study for and I went home to study, but my parents were building an addition to their house and my environment was noisy. It's easy to blame the environment, but what happened was for me 8 weeks of pure depression from which I couldn't pull myself out. It took my friend and pastor to recognize the symptoms and lift my spirits back to my normal happy self.
Years later after the birth of my third child in under 4 years, I was diagnosed with part partum depression. I'm still not sure if it really was post partum depression or just an inability to cope with my daily life and a lack of sleep.
But soon after that came a lot of depression, deep depression, the sort black dreams are made of. I went for counseling, I saw doctors, but mainly I had two friends who supported me through it, who insisted I talked to them at the first sign. But it took a long time to get that level of support.
I monitored the depression, it was monthly and minor, but every three months it was major. nothing caused it, nothing stopped it, I had to live through it. My friends helped me recognize the early warning signs and get through it, eventually with a lot of support they helped it diminish and become less frequent.
The pattern was always the same. I'd be depressed and not realize it, then as soon as I realized my emotional state, I could start to conquer it.
Somehow the episodes became further apart. I had one in October when I lost a friend and another the following October when I was feeling too much pressure and too much to do. That was about 4 years ago and nothing depressing since then
2013 started and I planned on writing my next book. But I have many other deadlines that come up weekly. So I scheduled 3 month's worth of writing and blog posts, then, with enough time to write my book, I did it. 30,000 words, my longest book so far, I spend 3 solid months on my book, writing, publishing, promoting.
And now what?
I have to go back to the other writing, I have commitments, deadlines, blogs to write for. My mind does not want to, my fingers will not type, I'm in a bad mood all the time. And then I realized, the depression I thought had gone forever, has returned.
Am I the only person who works for a goal and when the goal is accomplished, has a low instead of a high?
Two of my heroes are Lewis and Clark who did the great mission across America to explore what had just been bought in the Louisiana Purchase. Although the task of writing my book is a small one compared with the Corps of Discovery, I now understand a little of how Meriwether Lewis felt after returning home from the greatest mission of his life.
I Googled it, it has a name, it's called "Post Achievement Depression." I guess I'm normal after all.
Suddenly, I realize that the depression is back. Where are my friends? One has moved away and the other I have lost touch with. I haven't needed them for so many years, but I need them now. Or maybe I just need another project to pour my all into. Yes, I think that is the direction I will go in and that will pull me out of this flump I have been in ever since the publishing of my book.